Harry Potter and The Sorcerer/Philosopher Stone But it's brainrot
Harry Potter and The Sorcerer/Philosopher Stone
Chapter 1
Scene:
A neighborhood on a street called Privet Drive. An owl, sitting on the street sign flies off to reveal a mysterious appearing old man walking through a forest near the street. He stops at the start of the street and takes out a mechanical device and zaps all the light out of the lampposts. He puts away the device and a cat meows. The man, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, looks down at the cat, which is a tabby and is sitting on a brick ledge.
Dumbledore: I should have known that you would be here...Professor McGonagall.
The cat meows, sniffs out and the camera pans back to a wall. The cats shadow is seen progressing into a human. There are footsteps and MINERVA MCGONAGALL is revealed.
McGonagall: Good evening, Professor Dumbledore. Are the rumors true, Albus?
Dumbledore: I'm afraid so, Professor. The good, and the bad.
McGonagall: And the boy?
Dumbledore: Hagrid is bringing him.
McGonagall: Do you think it wise to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?
Albus: Ah, Professor, I would trust Hagrid with my life.
There is a motor sound, and the two professors look up to see a flying motorcycle coming down from the air. It skids on the street and halts. A large man, RUBEUS HAGRID, takes off his goggles.
Hagrid: Professor Dumbledore, Sir. Professor McGonagall.
Dumbledore: No problems, I trust, Hagrid?
Hagrid: No, sir. Little tyke fell asleep just as we were flying over Bristol. Heh. Try not to wake him. There you go.
Hagrid hands a baby in a blanket over to Dumbledore.
McGonagall: Albus, do you really think its safe, leaving him with these people? I've been watching them all day. They're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are
Dumbledore: The only family he has.
They stop outside a house.
McGonagall: This boy will be famous. There wont be a child in our world who doesn't know his name.
Dumbledore: Exactly. He's better off growing up away from all that. Until he is ready.
Hagrid coughs and sniffles, he is crying. He clears his throat.
Dumbledore: There, there, Hagrid. It's not really good-bye, after all.
Hagrid nods. Dumbledore takes a letter and places it on the baby, who is now at the foot of the door. The baby has a visible lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead.
Dumbledore: Good luck...Harry Potter.
The camera pans into the scar and the opening title shows:
HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE
Almost ten years after the: DURSLEY's home. The camera pans on a sleeping boy, almost eleven, with a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead.
There is a click, and knocking. Outside, a tall woman, PETUNIA DURSLEY, raps the door.
Petunia: Up. Get up. Knocks sighs Now!
A large, tubby boy, DUDLEY DURSLEY, suddenly comes running down the stairs above the closet. He stops half-way down and goes back, jumping on the staircase.
Dudley: Wake up, cousin! We're going to the zoo!
Dudley laughs, comes down the stairs and runs for the kitchen. The boy, HARRY POTTER, tries to come out of the closet, but is pushed back in by Dudley.
Petunia is in the kitchen, where Dudley has gone.
Petunia: Oh, here he comes, the birthday boy!
A larger man, VERNON DURSLEY, is sitting at the kitchen table.
Vernon: Happy birthday, son.
Petunia and Dudley giggle together. Harry comes into the kitchen, dressed in rags.
Petunia: Why don't you just cook the breakfast, and try not to burn anything.
Harry: Skibidi yes, Auntie Petunia.
He sets to work.
Petunia: I want everything to be perfect for my Dudley's special day.
Vernon: Hurry up! Bring my coffee, boy!
Harry: Gyatt compliance, Uncle Vernon.
Petunia leads Dudley over to the family room, where there are a vast amount of presents. Dudley stares.
Dudley: How many are there?
Vernon: Thirty-six. Counted 'em myself.
Dudley: Thirty-six?! But last year last year I got thirty-seven!!
Vernon: Yes, well, some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year!
Dudley: I don't care how big they are!
Petunia: Oh, now, now, now. This is what we're going to do, is that when we go out we're going to buy you two new presents! How's that, Pumpkin?
Scene:
Outside, morning. The happy family is heading to the car. Harry goes to get in but is stopped by Vernon.
Petunia: This will be a lovely day at the zoo. I'm really looking forward to it.
Vernon: I'm warning you now, boy. Any funny business, any at all, and you won't have any meals for a week. Get in.
Scene:
The zoo. The family is in the reptile house, looking at a large BOA CONSTRICTOR.
Dudley: Make it move.
Vernon raps the glass of the cage.
Vernon: Move!
Dudley raps the glass much harder, and Vernon winces.
Dudley: MOVE!
Harry: He's asleep!
Dudley: He's boring.
Dudley and his parents retreat to another enclosure. Harry is left with the snake.
Harry: Sorry about him. He doesn't understand what it's like, lying there day after day, having people press their ugly faces in on you.
The snake looks up and blinks.
Harry: Can you...hear me? It's just...I've never talked to a snake before. Do you...I mean...do you talk to people often? You're from Burma, aren't you? Was it nice there, do you miss your family? I see. That's me as well. I never knew my parents, either.
The now awake snake has attracted Dudley's attention. He rips over to the cage, knocking Harry to the floor.
Dudley: Mummy, dad, come here! You won't believe what this snake is doing!!
Dudley puts his hands on the glass wall. Harry, from the ground, glares at him. Suddenly, the glass disappears. Dudley wretches forward.
Dudley: Whoa! Ahh! Ahh!!
Dudley falls into the snake enclosure, sputtering in a pool of water. The snake gets out of the exhibit, stopping in front of Harry.
Snake: Thankssssssss.
Harry: Anytime.
The snake starts off.
Man: SNAKE!
There is a lot of screaming as the snake heads for freedom. Dudley gets up to get out, but the glass is now back over the enclosure. He is stuck. He pounds the glass.
Dudley: Mum, mummy!
Petunia: AHH!
Dudley: Mum, help! Help me!
Petunia: My darling boy! How did you get in there?!
Vernon glares down at him and Harry's grin disappears. Petunia continues screaming: How did you get in there? Dursley, oh, Dursley!
Scene:
Back at the Dursley's. Petunia and a bundled up Dudley come in.
Petunia: It's all right. It's all right.
They disappear around the corner. Harry and Vernon enter. Vernon slams the door and shoves Harry against a wall, taking his hair.
Harry: Ow!
Vernon: What happened?
Harry: I swear I don't know! One minute the glass was there and then it was gone! It was like magic!
Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!
Scene:
Outside, some time later. An owl flies by the house and drops a letter, which zooms in the letterbox. It lands away from the house and hoots.
Harry, inside, goes to collect the mail. He sorts through the letters and sees his, addressed to him. He goes into the kitchen, hands Vernon the rest of the mail, and walks around the other side of the table to see his letter.
Vernon: Ah, Marge is ill. Ate a funny whelk.
Dudley: Dad, look! Harry's got a letter!!
Harry: Hey, give it back! It's mine!
Vernon: Yours? Who'd be writing to you?
The family gathers to look at the address. There is a broken seal on the letter. The family looks up and Harry gulps.
Scene:
Another owl flies by with a letter and drops it off. Inside, Vernon grabs a handful of letters and rips them up.
In the closet, Harry hears a whirring noise. He looks out at Vernon drilling wood over the letterbox opening.
Vernon: No more mail through this letterbox.
Scene:
Outside, Vernon and Petunia appear. Vernon is about to head off to work. Petunia kisses his cheek.
Petunia: Have a lovely day at the office, dear.
She stops, looks and sees a bunch of owls.
Vernon: Shoo! Go on!
Scene:
Inside. Vernon is tossing letters into the fireplace. Harry comes around the corner. Vernon grins evilly and tosses more in.
Scene:
Living/Family room. The family is sitting around, Harry is serving cookies.
Vernon: Fine day Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week. Why is that, Dudley?
Dudley shrugs.
Harry: Cos the mail's on a sigma break? Right you are, Harry. No post on the Sabbath. No letters, no sigma shenanigansHarry sees a shadow outside the window. Outside, millions of owls are perched.
A letter shoots out of the fireplace and zips across Vernons face. There is a rumbling and then zillions of letters come shooting out of the fireplace.
Dudley: AHH! Make it stop! Please make it stop! He jumps on Petunias lap
Petunia and Vernon: Screaming
Vernon: Go away, ahh!
Dudley: What is it? Please tell me what's happening!
Harry jumps onto the coffee table to grab a letter. He gets one and starts to run away. Vernon jumps up as well.
Vernon: Give me that! Give me that letter!
He chases Harry and grabs him before Harry gets into his closet.
Harry: Detach, sigma! Ahh!
Vernon: Ahh!
Harry: These are my rizz epistles! Unhand me, dawg!
Vernon: That's it! We're going away! Far away! Where they can't find us!
Dudley: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?!
Scene:
A house, on a rock island somewhere out at sea. The family is sleeping, with Harry on the cold, dirt floor. He has drawn a birthday cake which reads, Happy Birthday Harry. Harry looks at Dudley's watch, which beeps 12:00.
Harry: Make a wish, Harry. Blows
Suddenly, the door thumps. Harry jumps. The door thumps again and Dudley and Harry jump up and back away. Petunia and Vernon appear, Vernon with a gun. The door bangs again and then cracks open, and a giant man appears.
Vernon: Who's there? Ahh!
Hagrid: Sorry 'bout that. He puts the door back up
Vernon: I demand that you leave at once, Sir! You are breaking and entering!
Petunia: Ooh.
Hagrid comes over, grabs the gun and bends it upwards.
Hagrid: Dry up, Dursley, you great prune. The gun fires
All: Ahh!
Hagrid: sees Dudley Mind, I haven't seen you since you was a baby, Harry, but you're a bit more along than I would have expected. Particularly 'round the middle!
Dudley: I-I-I'm not Harry.
Harry appears: I-I am.
Hagrid: Oh, well, of course you are! Got something for ya. 'Fraid I might have sat on it at some point! I imagine that it'll taste fine just the same. Ahh. Baked it myself. Hands Harry the cake Words and all. Heh.
Harry: Thank you! Opens cake, which reads: Happee Birdae Harry.
Hagrid: It's not every day that your young man turns eleven, now is it?
Hagrid sits down on the couch, takes out an umbrella and points it at the empty fire. Poof, poof! Two sparks fly out and the fire starts. The family gapes.
Harry: puts cake down Greetings, seeker of the wizard's path, who art thou?
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. Course, you'll know all about Hogwarts.
Harry: No? Blimey, didn't you ever wonder where your mum and dad rizzed up their spells?
Hagrid: No? Blimey, Harry, didn't you ever wonder where your mum and dad learned it all?
Harry: I-I'm a wizard? Skibidi-Dop-Dop, you're pulling my leg!
Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry.
Harry: I-I'm a what?
Harry: A wizard. And a thumping good one at that, I'd wager. Once you train up a little.
Harry: No gyatt mistake, I can't be...a wizard. I'm just...Harry. Plain ol' Harry.
Hagrid: Well, Just Harry, did you ever make anything happen? Anything you couldn't explain when you were angry or scared? Harry softens his expression Ah.
Dudley: whimpers
Hagrid hands Harry the same letter that has been sent the past while. Harry opens it.
Harry: Dear, Mr. Potter. We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Vernon: Hell not be going! We swore when we took him in wed put an end to this rubbish!
Harry: You knew all along and never skibidi'd me in on the secret?
Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. Oh, my mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful? I was the only one to see her for what she was. A freak! And then she met that Potter, and then she had you, and I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as ... abnormal. And then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up! And we got landed with you.
Harry: Blown up? You spun me some car crash sigma tale!
Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill James and Lily Potter?
Petunia: We had to tell him something.
Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!
Vernon: He'll not be going!
Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great Muggle like yourself's going to stop him, are you?
Harry: Muggle? That's a sus word if I ever heard one!
Hagrid: Non magic folk. This boy's had his name down ever since he was born! He's going to the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world, and he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts' has ever seen: Albus Dumbledore.
Vernon: I will not pay for some crackpot old fool to teach him magic tricks!
Hagrid: whips out umbrella and points it at Vernon Never insult Albus Dumbledore in front of me.
Hagrid sees Dudley eating Harry's cake, and points the umbrella at his rear. A grey tail grows.
Dudley: Ahh!
All: Ahh! family chases Dudley
Harry: laughs
Hagrid: Oh, um, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone at Hogwarts about that. Strictly speaking, I'm not allowed to do magic.
Harry: Nods Okay.
Hagrid: checks a clock Ooh, we're a bit behind schedule. Best be off. Unless you'd rather stay, of course. Hmm? Leaves
Harry grins, looks back, and grins again.
Scene:
Streets of London. Hagrid and Harry are walking.
Harry: All students must be equipped with...one standard size two pewter cauldron and may bring if they desire either an owl, a cat or a toad. Can we find all this in London?
Hagrid: If you know where to go.
They go to a corner store and enter, The Leaky Cauldron.
Barkeep Tom: Ah, Hagrid! The usual, I presume?
Hagrid: No thanks, Tom. I'm on official Hogwarts business today. Just helping young Harry here buy his school supplies.
Tom: Bless my soul. It's Harry Potter.
The pub goes silent. A man comes up and shakes Harrys hand.
Man: Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back.
A witch comes up and shakes Harrys hand, as well.
Witch: Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter. I can't believe I'm meeting you at last.
A man in robes with a turban on his head appears. It is PROFESSOR QUIRRELL.
Quirrell: Harry P-potter. C-can't tell you how pleased I am to meet you.
Hagrid: Hello, Professor. I didn't see you there. Harry, this is Professor Quirrell. He'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts.
Harry: Oh, nice to meet you, you rizzing up the wizardry vibes. Puts out hand. Quirrell refuses
Quirrell: F-fearfully fascinating subject. N-not that you need it, e-eh, Potter? Heheh.
Hagrid: Yes, well, must be going now. Lots to buy. Heh.
Harry: Skibidi-bye, keep it rizz.
The two leave into a back room winery in front of a brick wall.
Hagrid: See, Harry, you're famous!
Harry: But why the fame, Hagrid? All those peeps back there, how's it they're all 'Hey, Harry'?
Hagrid: I'm not exactly sure I'm the right person to tell you that, Harry. Taps the brick wall clockwise with his umbrella. The blocks shift and open up to reveal a hidden, busy street.
Welcome, Harry, to Diagon Alley.
Harry grins broadly as they step into the street and walk down it. An owl screeches.
Hagrid: Here's where you'll get your quills and ink, and over there all your bits and bobs for doing your wizardry.
Harry is amazed as they pass by shops and owls and bats. The camera pans on a broom store, where a group of boys are crowded around a shiny broom.
Boy: It's a world class racing broom. Look at it, its the new Nimbus 2000! It's the fastest model yet.
Harry: But, Hagrid, how's the 'grindset' for all this sigma splurge? I'm low on the blud, no 'bussing' bucks.
Hagrid: Well there's your money, Harry. Gringotts, the Wizard Bank. T'aint no place safer, 'cept perhaps Hogwarts.
Inside the bank, they walk down the shiny aisle, passing tiny creatures working.
Harry: Uh, Hagrid, what exactly are those things?
Hagrid: They're goblins, Harry. Clever as they come goblins but not the most friendly of beasts. Best stick close to me. Harry sticks to him. Hagrid clears his throat as they approach a counter with a goblin in it. Mr. Harry Potter wishes to make a withdrawal.
The goblin looks up.
Goblin: And does Mr. Harry Potter have his key?
Hagrid: Oh. Wait a minute. Got it here somewhere. Hah. Here's the little devil. Oh, and there's something else as well. Professor Dumbledore gave me this. It's about you-know-what in vault you-know-which. Hands Goblin letter wrapped in string.
Goblin: Very well.
Scene:
Racing down the depth caverns in a cartlike structure. The cart stops, a goblin, GRIPHOOK, clambers out.
Griphook: Vault 687. Lamp, please. Hagrid hands him the lamp and he walks to the vault Key please. Hagrid hands him the key and he unlocks it
The room is filled nearly top to bottom with coins. Harry is amazed.
Hagrid: Didn't think your mum and dad would leave you with nothing, now didja?
They continue on through the cavern.
Griphook: Vault 713.
Harry: What's in there, Hagrid?
Hagrid: Can't tell you, Harry. It's Hogwarts business. Very secret.
Griphook: Stand back. Slides finger down the door. Clank. Clank. The vault opens to expose a small white stone package. Hagrid hurries in and scoops it up. The eerie light it was shining with disappears.
Hagrid: Best not mention this to anyone, Harry.
Harry nods.
Scene: Outside in the street, walking.
Harry: I still need...a wand, the sigma stick of power.
Hagrid: A wand? Well, you'll want Ollivanders. No place better. Run along there, but wait. I just got one more thing I got to do. Won't be long.
Harry goes into the store, quietly. He looks around. There are shelves of wands, but no people.
Harry: Softly Hello? Is this the sigma hub of wizardry?
There is a thunk. A man appears on a ladder and looks at Harry. He smiles.
Ollivander: I wondered when I'd be seeing you, Mr. Potter. It seems only yesterday that your mother and father were in here buying their first wands. Picks a wand Ah. Here we are. Harry holds it but just stands Well, give it a wave.
Harry: Oh, flip the gyroscope! Waves like a sigma and the shelves go tumbling.
Ollivander: Apparently not. Gets another wand. Perhaps this. Harry waves at a vase, which blows apart. No, no, definitely not! No matter...gets a wand I wonder. Hands wand to Harry. Harry glows under it. Curious, very curious.
Harry: Curiouser than a cat in a corn maze, what's the brainrot twist?
Ollivander: I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. It just so happens that the phoenix, whose tail feather resides in your wand gave one other feather, just one. It is curious that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar. Points to scar
Harry: And...who owned that wand?
Ollivander: Oh, we do not speak his name. The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. It's not always clear why, but I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you. After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things...terrible, yes, but great. Hands Harry his wand.
There is a knock on the window.
Hagrid: Harry! Harry! Happy birthday! Has a snowy owl in a cage which hoots.
Harry: Wow.
Scene: Later, eating supper. The two, Hagrid and Harry, are at a long table, eating soup.
Hagrid: You all right, Harry? You seem very quiet.
Harry: He snuffed my parents, didn't he? The one who zapped me with this rizz scar. You get me, Hagrid?
Hagrid: Sighs and pushes bowl away First, and understand this, Harry, 'cause it's very important. Not all wizards are good. Some of them go bad. A few years ago there was one wizard who went as bad as you can go. And his name was V-...his name was V-...
Harry: Maybe if you wrote it down?
Hagrid: No, I can't spell it. All right. His name was Voldemort.
Harry: Voldemort?
Hagrid: Shh!!
A flashback ensues, consisting off a cloaked man walking towards a house, breaking in with his wand, and proceeding to terrorize. Hagrid narrates.
Hagrid: It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone that stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill 'em. Harrys mother, LILY, screams as she is killed by Voldemorts wand Nobody...not one. Except you. close-up of baby Harry.
Harry: Me? Voldy made a gyatt move on...me?
Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead, Harry. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse...and an evil curse at that.
Harry: What happened to Vo-...to You-Know-Who?
Hagrid: Some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's out there, still, too tired to go on. But one thing's absolutely certain. Something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry. That's why everbody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.
Scene: London Train Station. Up on a crossing bridge, Harry (with cart and owl) walk beside Hagrid.
A couple look at Hagrid.
Hagrid: What're you looking at? Looks at watch Blimey, is that the time?? Sorry, Harry, I'm gonna have to leave you. Dumbledore'll be wanting his...well, he'll be wanting to see me. Now, uh, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Here's your ticket. Stick to it, Harry that's very important. Stick to your ticket.
Harry looks at his golden ticket.
Harry: Platform 9 ¾? But Hagrid, this is some omega level trip. This drips of a sigma error. No such place...is there, skibidi?
Scene: Harry is walking down lane between trains. A man rushes by.
Man: Sorry.
Harry sees a train master.
Harry: Excuse me, excuse me.
Trainmaster: talking to woman and child Right on your left, ma'am.
Harry: Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me where I might find Platform 9 ¾?
Trainmaster: 9 ¾? Think youre being funny, do ya? Leaves
A woman, daughter, and four boys walk by, pushing carts.
Mrs. Weasley: It's the same year after year. Always packed with Muggles, of course.
Harry: Muggles? What's a muggle in this sigma world?
Mrs. Weasley: Come on. Platform 9 ¾ this way! All right, Percy, you first.
A tall boy with red hair comes forward and runs towards a brick wall. Amazingly, he disappears right into it. Harry is amazed.